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"I Have an F": Communicating with Your Teen about Grades

Writer's picture: Riley NaylorRiley Naylor
Man reading red book on couch decorated with pillows
Finding out whether your teen wants to communicate face to face or through writing will help your overall communication

"They're failing and I don't know what to do"


This is something that happens consistently, especially in the spring semester, as parents with kids of all ages struggle with how to communicate concerns about grades without it turning into a fight or power struggle.


But how can you open the door to healthy and meaningful communication with your teen about school without triggering defensiveness or frustration?


Sometimes communication is best done in person and sometimes it's best done in writing to give both you and your teen some time to process what the other has said and think about responses. Try out this Back and Forth book here to see if this opens up your communication.


Regardless of whether it is in person or written, here are some ideas to help you build a positive and supportive conversations about school with your teen:


1. Create an Open, Non-Judgmental Space about Your Teen's Grades


The key to any good conversation with a teen is to create an environment where they feel safe and not judged. Avoid launching straight into the conversation with a “We need to talk about your grades!” approach.

Instead, try starting with something open-ended, like, “How’s school going for you?” or “Is there anything you’re feeling stressed about lately?”

By asking open questions, you invite them to share their feelings and experiences without fear of immediate consequences or criticism.

It may take a while but if they sense you’re genuinely curious about their experience rather than just focusing on results, they’ll be more likely to open up.

If there is something to address in a more time-sensitive way, still open up with curiosity with some questions like "I noticed you have a 52% in Math, what's been going on there?"


2. Listen Actively and Without Interrupting


Teens often feel like they’re not being heard, especially when parents are quick to jump in with solutions or concerns.

Instead of interrupting or offering advice right away, focus on really listening. Show your teen that you’re paying attention by nodding, making eye contact, and asking follow-up questions to dive deeper into their thoughts.

For example, “That sounds really tough, what was the most stressful piece of that project for you?” Active listening not only fosters better communication but also shows them you respect their perspective.


3. Be Curious, Not Critical


If you’re concerned about your teen’s academic performance or behavior, approach the situation with curiosity rather than jumping straight into criticism.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re failing this class! Why aren’t you studying?” try something like, “I noticed you’re struggling with math lately. What do you think is making it hard for you?” This phrasing opens the door to a more productive conversation about their challenges.

It’s also important to remain calm and empathetic when discussing grades or problems—teens are more likely to engage when they feel supported, not attacked.


4. Respect Their Autonomy


Your teen is in the process of developing their independence, and while you may have the best intentions in mind, too much pressure or control over their schoolwork can lead to resentment. Acknowledge their growing autonomy by offering guidance rather than micromanagement.

For example, instead of checking in constantly on whether their homework is done, ask, “Do you feel like you have everything under control for this week?” or “Is there anything I can do to help with your homework?” This not only encourages responsibility but also allows them to feel empowered in their decisions.


5. Set Expectations, But Be Flexible


It’s essential to set clear expectations around school, such as attending class, doing homework, or following through on commitments.

However, it’s equally important to be flexible and understanding when things don’t go perfectly as long as they are trying to communicate. Life can be unpredictable, and your teen may face challenges like school-related stress, social issues, or mental health struggles that affect their academic performance.

Instead of reacting with frustration when things aren’t going as planned, approach the situation with understanding. Offer support, discuss what needs to be improved, and work together on solutions.


6. Don’t Just Focus on Grades


While academic performance is important, don’t make school-related conversations only about grades or outcomes, or the only thing you ever talk about with your teen.

Ask about their interests, friendships, and passions at school. When your teen feels that you’re interested in the whole picture of their school experience, not just the numbers, they may feel more comfortable sharing both the highs and lows.

A question like, “What class are you enjoying the most right now?” or “Who did you hang out with at lunch today?” can open the door to a wider conversation about their school life.


7. Encourage Problem-Solving Together


Instead of simply giving solutions, encourage your teen to be a part of the process of problem-solving.

If they’re struggling in a subject, ask, “What do you think would help you improve in this class?” or “How can we break this project into manageable steps?”

Involving them in the process gives them a sense of ownership over their academic success and can help them develop essential life skills like critical thinking and decision-making.


8. Be Supportive, Not Overbearing


It’s important to be supportive and encouraging when your teen is facing academic or social challenges. However, make sure to give them space to navigate their own obstacles and even fail. We as humans, we learn so much more from failure than we do from success and so allow them to struggle here and there.

Offer your help without overstepping.

For example, if your teen is overwhelmed with schoolwork, you can offer to help create a study schedule, but it’s important to let them decide what works best for them. Trust that they are capable of handling their challenges while offering support when needed.


9. Recognize Signs of Stress or Burnout


If your teen seems especially stressed, anxious, or disengaged from school, it may be a sign of deeper struggles. Whether it’s academic pressure, social dynamics, or mental health challenges, be proactive in offering support.

Look for changes in behavior like withdrawing from friends, a sudden drop in grades, or emotional outbursts. If you notice any red flags, address them gently, and suggest that you can work together to find a solution, whether it’s seeking additional help, talking to a counselor, or making changes to their routine.


10. Be Patient


Remember that the teenage years are a period of growth, self-discovery, and change. It’s normal for teens to feel conflicted, rebellious, or uncertain about school and their future. Patience is key when it comes to communication.

Even if they’re not ready to talk, continue to show up with understanding and a willingness to listen. Over time, they’ll likely appreciate your support and feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and struggles with you.


Effective communication with your teen about school can create a foundation for trust, understanding, and problem-solving.


It’s not always going to be easy, and it may take time to build a solid connection. However, by being open, supportive, and patient, you can foster a relationship where your teen feels comfortable discussing their challenges and successes with you.


What strategies have worked for you in communicating with your teen about school? Share your experiences and tips in the comments below and remember to try out our Back and Forth book!


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